When Your Shine Starts to Dull: What I Learned From Leaving an Abusive Relationship

5 days ago

6 min read

Content note: This post discusses relationship abuse and safety planning.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and for me this topic is personal. I'm a licensed clinical social worker and therapist, and I'm also someone who left an abusive relationship in 2019 and had to rebuild my life afterward.

I went back and forth about whether to share this. It's personal, and for a long time it felt like something I should keep to myself, especially as a therapist. But I know how isolating it can feel to be inside a relationship like this and believe you're the only one. If hearing some of my experience helps even one woman recognize what's happening to her, or feel a little less alone, it's worth sharing.

I'm sharing this because it's easy to believe abuse only happens to other people: people who are less educated or less self-aware, or who somehow should have seen it coming. I had the training, and I knew the warning signs on paper. It still happened to me. Experiencing abuse doesn't mean you're weak or naive, and it is never your fault.

How it started

In the beginning, he was charming, sweet, and gentle. He seemed like a great communicator and was always open to the things I wanted to do. It felt easy.

The first time something felt off was our first real disagreement, when he raised his voice at me. It concerned me, but he apologized, things went back to normal, and I brushed it aside.

Early on, I always felt something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it. When I would mention it to my friends, they said I was talking myself out of a good thing, so I listened to them instead of myself.

I think about that a lot now. Our intuition often registers something before our minds are ready to accept it. It's very easy to override that signal when everyone around you, including the person you love, is telling you everything is fine.

Why I stayed

When things got worse, I told myself he was just under a lot of stress and that the stress was causing his outbursts. I found ways to make it make sense and continued making excuses.

What kept me there the longest was shame & embarrassment. I had made a big move to live with him, we were engaged, and I had trusted him completely. I also moved to his city, away from family and friends, so I felt isolated. With my clinical background and the life experience I had, I felt like I should have known better. Calling off an engagement and admitting what was happening felt humiliating, so I kept a lot of it to myself.

The moment I woke up

The turning point came during a visit home. After I left a family barbecue, my family talked about how I'd seemed. Later my aunt pulled me aside and told me they'd noticed my shine had dulled, and they were worried about me.

That landed hard, because it was my biggest fear. I've always been someone with a lot of light and good energy, and losing myself was the thing I dreaded most. Hearing that the people who knew me best could see it happening woke something up in me.

When I got back home, we had our last fight. I told him clearly that what was happening was not okay and could not continue. He told me I was playing the victim, that I always play the victim. Anyone who knows me knows that has never been who I am. Watching him turn my attempt to stand up for myself into an accusation was the moment it fully clicked.

Starting over

Rebuilding was really hard. I lost a lot of my belongings and had to buy almost everything new. Eventually I moved to another state and started over. What carried me through was incredible support from friends and family, a lot of therapy, and time.

I wish I had been more open with people back then. I wish someone had told me plainly, "This is not okay, and you deserve to be safe." I also know I may not have been ready to hear it. People leave when they're ready, and they deserve support the whole way there, including before they are.

What healing taught me

His abusive behavior was his responsibility. Abuse is never okay, and nothing I did caused it.

But staying as long as I did made me want to understand myself. Why did I override my intuition? Why did I stay after the first time? Why was I drawn to someone who could be wonderful one moment and frightening the next?

Through trauma work, Internal Family Systems, and somatic therapy, I came to understand my own patterns of self-abandonment and fawning (the instinct to smooth things over and keep the peace at my own expense), and where those patterns started in my childhood. That understanding didn't excuse anything he did, but it gave me my choices back.

Today my boundaries are stronger. I speak up when I'm uncomfortable. I notice when I start to fawn or shrink, and I get curious about it instead of ignoring it. That healing is a big part of why I do this work now: helping women stop abandoning themselves in relationships so they can choose ones that bring them peace.

Abuse doesn't always leave bruises

Domestic violence can include emotional and verbal abuse, intimidation, sexual coercion, financial control, and other behaviors used to keep power over a partner. You don't have to be married or living together for it to count, and you don't need visible injuries for it to be serious.

Some signs include:

Name-calling, degrading comments, or repeated humiliation
Monitoring your phone, whereabouts, or communications
Controlling what you wear or who you see
Blaming you for their behavior
Making you afraid to disagree or express a preference
Restricting your money or isolating you from friends and family
Pressuring you sexually
Threatening people or pets you love, or destroying your belongings

You don't need to check every box to deserve support. One serious incident matters.

If you're dating, give yourself time

Give yourself room to see how someone treats you in different situations. Can you say no? Keep your plans? Spend time with friends? Raise a concern without feeling scared or pressured? Keep your friendships, routines, and interests going, and notice whether getting closer to this person leaves room for you to stay yourself. If something in your gut registers as off, you don't have to prove it before you take it seriously.

These practices can help you learn about someone, but they can't guarantee that a person will never become abusive. Abuse often shows up gradually. It’s never your fault, and the person causing harm is responsible for their behavior.

If you recognize these signs in your relationship

You don't have to figure everything out today. You can talk to a domestic violence advocate about what you're experiencing and what your options are, whether you're staying, getting ready to leave, or have already left.

Leaving can increase danger, which is why "just leave" isn't enough guidance. A safety plan is built around your specific situation. It might include a trusted contact, a place to go, transportation, and arrangements for kids or pets. If preparing it won't increase your risk, an emergency bag can help too, with things like:

ID and copies of important documents
Medications and prescriptions
Keys, cash or cards, and important numbers written down
Clothes, toiletries, and a phone charger
Essentials for your kids or pets

An advocate can help you think through what's realistic and where to keep things safely. Never delay getting to safety to pack or grab your belongings.

Where to find support

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7:

Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text START to 88788
Chat with a live advocate at TheHotline.org

You can reach out even if you're not sure what you're experiencing counts as abuse. If you're in immediate danger, call 911 if you can do so safely.

A note on online safety: TheHotline.org has a quick-exit button (click the X or press Escape twice). It leaves the page quickly but doesn't erase your browsing history. If someone may be monitoring your devices, use a safer device when you can.

You deserve support before things get worse, and you don't have to prove it was "bad enough." If you've already left, you deserve support while you rebuild, too. It took time, but I found my shine again, and you can too.

Wherever you are in this, you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is available whenever you’re ready, and I’m sending so much love your way.

With love,

Julia

Julia Hartman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker & Coach. This blog is educational and reflects general patterns rather than individual advice. Reading it does not create a therapeutic or coaching relationship, and it is not a substitute for therapy or mental health treatment. If you are in crisis or need clinical support, please reach out to a licensed provider in your state.